


The Person

by medomai



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 10:16:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2847413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/medomai/pseuds/medomai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At a non-specific point in the series (the tone is around the 20s to 30s), the Animorphs think they've found another entrance to the Yeerk pool. It, of course, all goes wrong. Rachel makes a choice on behalf of the team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Person

**Author's Note:**

  * For [atheilen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/atheilen/gifts).



> The prompt was something like a classic Animorphs, something in the spirit of early-middle-ish missionfic! This got... dark? I hope it's hopeful enough in the end - I tried for it.
> 
> Though I think the pacing on the series was great as is, I don't think it could have gone as it did if a human-Controller ever caught them early on. Like, really? Not one little contrived mistimed coincidence? So here is one little contrived mistimed coincidence.
> 
> WARNING FOR SUICIDE.

My name is Rachel. I’m not going tell you my last name. Or where I live. Or even if Rachel is my real first name. They would find us. Then there would be nothing standing between you and slavery to an alien race.

Am I sounding crazy yet? Hold on, it gets even better.

They’re called Yeerks. They look like gray slugs, only a few centimeters long. They slither into your ear, and from there, into your brain. There, they spread themselves out, can see and control everything. They read your thoughts. See every single memory, no matter how private or embarrassing. They control you, utterly. Once they’re in your head, your body isn’t yours anymore - it’s the Yeerk’s. It’s the Yeerk looking through eyes and speaking with your voice. They use your memories to pretend to be you, and they are so good at it that no one even suspects anything is wrong.

That’s the purpose of their invasion of Earth: us. Human bodies. They want our bodies and brains to drive around in.

But if the Yeerks are so good at what they do, then how do I know about it? I wouldn’t have, except that one night, an alien of a race called Andalites crash-landed in an abandoned construction site while me and my friends were walking through. Me, my best friend Cassie, my cousin Jake, his friends Marco and Tobias. This Andalite, introduced himself as Elfangor, and told us what was happening.

Our only hope, he told us, was technology called morphing. He gave us the power to change shape into whatever animal we touch. And then he died, leaving Earth in the hands of five teenagers.

So there you have it. A real alien invasion has been going on for months and no one knows a thing. Good thing we’re here to save the day! Right?

***

Another day in the most agonizingly painful place on Earth - school. I was at my locker grabbing books for the last class of the day when Jake appeared beside me.

“Hey, cuz,” he said casually.

“Dear cousin Jake.” I closed my locker, wincing at the sound of books falling over inside. “What’s up?”

“Oh, not much,” he said, going for even more casual by leaning against a locker. He looked ridiculous, obviously, but at school, we had to pretend everything in our lives was this casual. “Me and Marco were thinking we’d go to the mall after school, and we were wondering if you and Cassie wanted to go with…?”

“Ahhh!” I grinned. “Using your cousin to get closer to Cassie… I see how it is.”

Jake went pink but held a straight face. “Just a simple question. Eric was telling us about a new store opening or something. We thought we’d check it out and do Cinnabon after, maybe.”

Of course, this was a mission. Eric, one of our classmates, turned out to be from a race of pacifistic androids called the Chee. They honestly look a lot like dogs in their android bodies, but have some of the most advanced holographic technology ever. You could shake Eric’s hand and never know he wasn’t human. Eric and his other Chee contacts were one of our sources of information on the Yeerks and their plans. Whatever was in the mall was related to the Yeerks and had nothing to do with shopping. Unfortunately.

“Sounds like a plan,” I agreed. “I’ll grab Cassie - maybe she’ll even let me help her get something nicer than overalls.”

“I feel like I’ve heard you say that before,” said Jake.

“And I still have hope for that girl.”

The bell rung, and Jake made a face, moving off to his class. “Meet you at the parking lot.”

I went to math, thinking about the circles under Jake’s eyes. A few months ago, this was just what Jake was like. Good-natured, kind of a good. Now… I’m not sure if that was the real Jake who was talking or not. Becoming the leader of our group of freedom fighters has changed him, and I know one thing. Jake has become a scary good actor.

I put him out of my mind and did my best to focus on math.

***

When you don’t have time to go to an empty barn for a mission briefing, a crowded mall food court does almost as well for security.

“Eric said they think there’s another entrance to the Kandrona ray,” Jake was saying.

“Really?” Cassie asked. “Where exactly?”

I glanced around surreptitiously, Marco doing the same.

“Not _here_ here,” said Jake, exasperated. “There was some major construction going on at the Gap, the one at the end of the mall.”

“Ah, must be a fitting room entrance,” I said.

“Maybe,” said Jake.

“At least it’s not a Walmart,” said Marco. “Then it’d be the entrance to hell on earth inside hell on earth.”

“Exponential hell on earth,” I answered. Marco laughed.

Cassie looked at Jake. “Where are Tobias and Ax?”

“Surveillance,” said Jake. “They’ve been there for over an hour already, trying to figure out the way in.”

So they’d both be in human morph which means we had to come relieve them soon. Tobias had been trapped in the form of a red-tailed hawk but due to some cosmic magic by a being called the Ellimist, was able to transform back into his original human form. But like all morphing, he could only stay in that form for two hours. Otherwise he would be stuck in his human form again, unable to morph ever again. And Tobias wanted to be a part of the fight.

Ax was short for Aximili. He was an Andalite - Elfangor’s little brother, actually! - found at the bottom of the ocean. Being an Andalite, he needed a human morph, so he grabbed DNA from the rest of us and combined them to make a human boy who was extremely, weirdly pretty. He found human culture extremely interesting, especially the food.

I think all of us were a little relieved that the new entrance to the Kandrona ray wasn’t near the Cinnabon. For his sake.

***

<Hey, guys.> Tobias’ mental voice drifted into our heads, sounding a bit harried. <What took you?>

He knew we couldn’t answer in the same way, so we just made our way to where Tobias and Ax were standing in the mens’ department.

“What’s up, man?” asked Marco.

“We have been looking at different clothes,” said Ax. “Cloooo-thes. Thhhhh-suh. Does it not seem there is an overabundance?”

“There are never too many clothes, Ax,” I said.

“Find anything interesting?” Jake asked.

Tobias turned his head significantly in the direction of the mens’ fitting rooms. I smiled.

***

The good news? It was the entrance to the Kandrona ray. The bad news? It was the entrance to the Kandrona ray.

Tobias and Ax had pulled out to demorph (and in Ax’s case, morph into a bird) and start outside surveillance.

We were going to leave it at that for the day. It was regroup and observe time. Trouble is, a Controller caught me and Marco lingering. Jake and Cassie were only five steps away, trying to figure out a time to meet at the barn. Cassie said something about a sickness going around with the geese they had and that tonight wouldn’t work.

A male clerk looked at me and Marco, standing together but not really talking.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“Oh, no,” I said, and Marco waved his hands. “We’re just - ” My eyes flicked to the fitting room. Oh no. Marco saw me looking and glared. The clerk’s eyes narrowed.  

“We’re fine,” Marco said hurriedly. “Shopping, ha ha, you know, I just don’t know what I’m looking for.”

“Do you need to try something on?” the clerk asked. Our hands were obviously empty. I suddenly had a bad feeling.

“No, we’re okay,” I said. “We’ll figure it out.” I glanced back - Jake and Cassie had vanished.

The clerk glanced around as well, and gestured for us to come closer. We went closer.

“Are you two fresh out of the pool or what?” the clerk asked, annoyed. “Do you know what you’re doing or not?”

Marco had a faux innocent face pasted on. “No. We need help. We need to go to the ka - the place.”

I could have slapped him. By the look on the clerk’s face, I wasn’t the only one.

“You’re an idiot. All the people here are ours - the cameras aren’t even running,” said the clerk. “Next time, stop calling attention to yourself.”

“Okay,” I said, and Marco echoed.

The clerk gestured for us to follow, and he led us to the farmost fitting room with an ‘out of order’ sign on it. The entrance was affixed to the mirror against the wall - it swung open when the clerk pressed on a clothing hook.

He walked in with us a few steps and then we were in a tunnel of stairs that wound slowly downward. “You gonna be alright from here?” The sarcasm belied any hint of helpfulness. “The fools who get human hosts, I swear.” He turned and closed the mirror-door behind him.

I turned to look at Marco, and we stared at each other with equal amounts of horror.

“Now what?” he whispered.

“Fly morph,” I whispered back, “and we find another exit.”

“We won’t be able to see anything!” said Marco. “Plus our clothes?”

“Anything bigger will be obvious,” I said. “And we’ll find a crevice.”

It was a long staircase so finding a place to hide our clothes was thankfully easier than I thought. It wasn’t perfect, but there were shadows and nobody passing through was going to pay attention to the spot.

***

The cavern where the Kandrona ray is stored underground is huge. Vast. Impossibly large.

As flies, I didn’t really see any of it. What I could do was feel it. Flies, as their name implies, are really good at flying. I could feel the air currents, I could feel that the space I was in was huge. Marco and I were going to have to try and find our way out by air currents - drafts that let us know where air was flowing.

Normally being a fly is pretty fun; there’s nothing quite like the freedom to go anywhere, up, down, whatever, easy as you please. The stress of being in the middle of the enemy’s operation and on a time limit to get out - well, it dampens the mood.

<Tobias?> I called. <Ax?>

<I think we’re out of range,> said Marco tersely, stating the obvious.

<Thank you for that,> I said snippily. <So helpful.>

<I’m good like that.>

More time passed. We flew. Tried to follow drafts, but they kept ending in dead ends. Still nothing from the others. We hovered in a ‘dead’ area, where there was no air movement from people moving or talking - we must have found an empty hallway.

<We could play I Spy as we go,> said Marco. His usual attempt at lightness was almost normal except for the strained tremor of anxiety in his mind’s ‘voice’. <I spy, with my little eye, a blur a bit more blue-ish than the other blurs.>

<Shut up, Marco.>

<I mean, compound eyes have gotta be good for something, right? I Spy is not one of those things.>

Another gap of quiet.

<How long has it been?> I asked.

<Don’t know.> Marco considered. <Hour and a half, maybe?>

I grunted. <I was going to say around seventy-five minutes.>

<Let’s say hour and a half to be safe.>

<Hn.>

<You know, we could probably demorph and walk out of here. As ‘proper’ Controllers and everything,> Marco suggested.

<...How long does it take a Yeerk to feed?> I asked.

<Why would I know that?> Marco responded. <Do I look like an expert on Yeerk biology? Don’t answer that, I look like an insect. Well - on second thought...>

<Okay, now, another pertinent question,> I said. <Do you remember the way back to the original hallway we came out of? Because I don’t.>

<Ah.> He paused. <This is where I wish we had Ax here. Time piece, Yeerk expert, and can keep a map in his head.>

<We’ll take our best guess,> I said. <Come on.>

<Yes, ma’am,> said Marco cheekily.

***

We did not make it back to the Gap entrance.

Human again, Marco and I stood in the middle of a stairway that went up. It was an exit, but to where, exactly, I didn’t know.

“Are you, at this moment, _extremely_ aware of the fact that we are standing only in some mismatched spandex and nothing else?” Marco asked in a hushed voice.

“Speak for yourself,” I retorted in the same tone. “I look good.”

“You are also barefoot,” said Marco. “Do you know where this exit leads? It could be the McDonald’s for all we know.”

“It’s in the same area of town as the mall,” I said. (“You think,” muttered Marco.) “It might be the McDonald’s.”

“Okay, I don’t know why you think confidently striding out there is going to work, but people are going to notice us dressed for gym class!” Marco waved his arms, still trying to keep his voice quiet.

“If we don’t start moving, we are going to get caught standing in this hallway, which do you think is worse?”

“I’ve changed my mind, I think we should morph back to fly and wait for this door to open,” said Marco. “We took a guess, we were wrong, we go through here.”

I was already morphing. “Stop talkierrrrrarrrgh - ” My mouth was the first part of my body to change. Marco, shrinking, made a face at the enormous insect mandibles erupting from my face and mimed throwing up. His hand changed into a fly’s appendage at that moment and he almost ate his own insect body. I was torn between laughing and being totally grossed out.

Footsteps echoed down the staircase. We hurried. At that point we were too small to see each other’s faces, but still not small enough to be flies. The reverb effect on the staircases must have been something else, because it took another thirty seconds before a Controller passed by on their way down to the Kandrona.

By then we were flies. <The door!>

We flew up but it was too late. The entrance was already closed.

<Okay,> I said, shaken and frustrated. <We _only_ do thought-speak from now on. >

<Agreed.>

<You know what I want to do? Find the Gap entrance again.>

<Fine,> said Marco. <Absolutely fine. Not complaining. Let’s find our clothes and get out of here.>

***

We stuck to the wall. We tried going to the right, hugging the walls until we found another staircase up. I thought we had the right staircase but we couldn’t find our clothes.

<I have an idea,> said Marco. <Our sense of smell is pretty good, for insects, right?>

<Sure.>

<We could probably smell our clothes. It has our, you know, sweat and BO on them and stuff.>

<Gross.> I paused. <Also - >

<Yes, I know, you’re a girl, you don’t sweat, et cetera.> Marco sighed. <It’s worth a shot, though.>

<I was going to say also our deodorant.> A thought came to me. <...There are a lot of other human smells in this place.>

<I didn’t want to say,> said Marco grimly, <but I do think it’s our best chance, what with our inability to see more than half a foot away.>

<Let’s try it. I’m pretty sure this is the right area, anyway.>

We flew up and down the staircase, low to the ground and into the crevices. Chit chat faded into us repeating “no”, “not here”, and the ever present worry: “how long has it been”.

<We’ve been up and down this staircase for an hour,> said Marco. <We need to try another one.>

I had to agree.

***

We found our clothes in the next hallway over. More time had passed. We’d had to demorph and remorph once more in between. We were tired and stressed and I wondered if Marco was as close to the end of his rope as I was.

<I was close!> I defended myself. <One hallway off!>

<Yeah, yeah,> said Marco. <We need to demorph. I wish there was a more private place to do this than in the middle of the staircase.>

<No one’s coming,> I said. <We’ll have warning no matter what direction Controllers are coming from if we hurry.>

<Okay, I - uh, the store’s still open, right? We’re not going to go back and set off a bunch of alarms?>

<The mall closes at nine,> I said. <We… It may be tight. We’re coming up on the morph deadline, also, so…>

<Going, going.>

We demorphed, got dressed, and by some crazy luck, no one passed by. Maybe the Controllers knew they weren’t supposed to come this way after stores close. We changed and went up to the fitting room entrance.

“I guess we just push?” Marco said.

Pushing worked. We walked out to the fitting room to find that we hadn’t made it. The lights had been shut off and everything was still and quiet.

“Now what?” Marco whispered.

“We leave,” I said. “What else?”

“I always knew you were smarter than me, Rachel,” said Marco, mock bowing.

“Keep it that way,” I sneered.

In the main store, we headed for the outside doors when someone came out from behind the registers. “Hey, what are you doing?”

It was the same clerk Controller from before. He looked between us, suspicion struggling with realization. “You’re - you two are - ”

“Very late for our curfews,” said Marco smoothly.

“Even if you’ve never used this entrance before, you should have known to be out before nine.” The clerk was frowning, trying to figure out if we were really that stupid.

Even if he let us go with a warning, he had a very good look at our faces. He was going to remember us, and remember us being suspicious. All it takes is one mistake for this to come crashing down around our ears.

“We’ve never used this entrance,” I said.

“No shit,” the clerk said, “but there are plenty of other entrances where there’s 24/7 access…” He was in the midst of realizing something. “What are your names?”

He had us or was about to have us. What was a Yeerk name even like, if you weren’t a visser?

“Who are you?” he asked, angry and something else. He didn’t come closer. He had us. Why was he over there?

I glanced at Marco. Afraid, but calm. His eyes flicked down, put his hand in the shape of a gun. I looked back at the Controller. He had no weapon.

The Controller caught the motion.

Thank goodness the store was closed. I looked at Marco. He looked at me. The Controller had the realization that he was alone and unarmed come directly on the heels of the revelation that we weren’t Controllers. His face went slack. “I - shit.”

<What’s happening now?> asked Cassie. <Are you guys okay?>

Neither of us being in morph, we couldn’t answer. The first we’d heard from the others in hours, and we couldn’t answer. It was still such a relief.

<Okay,> said Jake, authoritarian mode going full bore. <We’re coming in, sit tight. We’re just a couple minutes away.>

We didn’t move. The Controller just stood there, waiting for us to act. I looked around the store. Lights off, no movement.

I cleared my throat. “Open the cash registers.”

The Controller floundered. Not the ultimatum he’d been expecting, apparently.

“Do it,” I snapped.

When the Controller hesitantly started opening the registers, Marco turned to me and mouthed ‘WHAT?’ I ignored him.

The Controller huffed a small little sigh when he was done.

“What is it,” I asked coldly.

“Nothing,” he said meekly. “This host has a nervous laughter reaction.” He paused, trying not to show how afraid he was. “There is no money. It’s - it’s locked away in the office for the night. The business operates as normal, managers are the only one with after-hours access to the safe.”

“We don’t want the money,” I interjected. “It just has to look like we want the money.”

I saw it click together for Marco. He jumped in. “This is a robbery,” said Marco. “It looks like some robbers got angry after not getting what they wanted. It’s about to go badly.”

The Controller seemed like he wanted to ask something, but from behind him, the glass of the storefront shattered with a crash. He flung himself to the ground as a rhinoceros and an elephant stampeded through, a wolf and a red-tailed hawk after them.

They slowed down as they realized there were no enemy combatants and came to a stop in front of us.

<We’re here to rescue you...?> said Jake, sounding confused.

<Why did you not leave the store?> asked Ax, equally nonplussed.

I pointed at the Controller, where he was behind the counter and out of their sight. Not that rhinos or elephants had good eyesight - terrible eyesight, in fact. (“I forgot that Ax had an elephant morph,” Marco muttered beside me.)

The Controller stood up, trembling, and Jake turned his head to look at him better. He then said a word that incredibly inappropriate. I privately agreed.

Now Jake and the others were stuck not knowing what to do, making this one of the weirder standoffs I’ve had. I’m sure I’ll have weirder, because this is what our lives are like, but for now… It was up there.

<We must vacate the premises, Prince Jake,> said Ax. <There are surely more Controllers on the way.>

<Rachel, go bird and get of here. Take yours and Marco’s clothes with you - there’s a dumpster around the corner,> Jake ordered. <Marco, you’ll carry the - the Controller.>

The thought of morphing again was exhausting, but we didn’t hesitate. The Controller stared at us through the entire ugly process. When Marco the gorilla picked him up, he froze, and instantly started crying. I carried Marco’s and my clothing to the dumpster in the talons of my bald eagle morph.

We left the store, cut across the parking lot, and ran/flew until as a group we reached the forest. The Controller cried softly the whole way. Marco never said a word, but only ever shifted the position of the Controller over his shoulder. If a gorilla could ever look tense, Marco managed it.

It was the Yeerk crying, of course, but it still felt wrong.

Ax navigated us to a place in the woods he knew - a cave, way out of the way of any other landmarks. Ax and Tobias were to stay with him. Starve out the Yeerk. What else could the plan be?

<What about tomorrow?> asked Tobias. <Me and Ax can trade off sleeping, but going through all tonight and tomorrow is going to tough.>

Jake considered.

<I’ll call in sick,> I volunteered. <I can be here first thing in the morning.>

<Thanks, Rachel,> said Jake. <I’ll be here before school and we’ll all come after school.> He was quiet for a moment. <See if you can find out the last time the Yeerk fed.>

<Sure,> said Tobias.

<Of course, Prince Jake.>

It was time to go home. I tried to speak with Jake on a private line. <Jake…>

<I’ll see you in the morning, Rach,> he said. Okay. He didn’t want to talk. Fine.

<Sure,> I said. <Good night.>

***

It was raining. Of course.

“Hey.” Jake was standing outside of the cave, apparently waiting for me.

I took a deep breath. “Hey.”

Jake looked at the ground. “Sleep well last night?”

“No,” I said, being honest.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah… How are you feeling about this?”

“Ha.” I glanced into the cave, but the Controller was being kept much further in. “I haven’t decided yet. You?”

“Same.” Jake met my eyes. “Ax found rope to tie the Controller up. He won’t be running.” He walked past me. “I’m about to be late for school… It fed two days ago.” He clapped a hand on my shoulder before he left. It kind of hurt.

I love Jake, but… When he’s acting in his capacity as the leader of our little war, he can be cold. I could hate the guy a little.

I went in. The cave opened a lot more than I thought, more than standing room. There was Ax in his regular Andalite form, standing opposite where the Controller was lying bound. The Controllers’ feet were soaking wet, I guessed, probably by accident, as there were pools of water all around the cave. The rain had run in and created shallow pools where the ground was uneven

“Ahem.” I didn’t want to talk in front of the Controller. Ax’s stalk eyes had been on me since I appeared, so I hadn’t needed to catch his attention.

<You’re here for the day now?> he asked, rigid posture lending an uncomfortable tone to his thought-speech.

I nodded. Ax repeated the gesture. <After the others arrive later today, we will decide what to do with him. Prince Jake has been conferring with us as to what to do.>

“Yeah,” I said. “Okay.”

<Tobias will check here periodically, but we must eat and sleep. You will be alright?>

“Yeah,” I said again. “Sounds good.” Ax nodded in goodbye. The sound of his hoofs disappeared as he passed out of sight.

I stood for a minute, then looked around for a dry patch on the ground to sit. I found a spot against the wall. The Controller’s eyes followed me as I settled.

“Tweedledee,” he said. “Or maybe you’re Tweedledum?”

Of course he wasn’t gagged. “Joking on the last day you have to live. Very human of you.” I rolled my eyes.

His eyes seemed to bore straight through me. “I’m very human.”

“Right. What’s your name?” I asked sweetly.

“Eskrit Seven Fourteen,” he said, “of the Hett Simplat pool.”

“And what’s _his_ name?” I asked, more pointedly.

“...Al. Well.” He pursed his lips. “Full name, Alfonso Robert Diaz. Al to his friends. Alf to his mom. Alfie to his little sister.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I guess the Andalites got to you, huh?” he said. “Recruited you by telling you how evil us slugs are? Or something like that?”

I glared at him. “Yes, I can really tell you care, telling me all about _your host_ without letting him speak or anything.”

“I guess I’m a selfish guy,” he sneered. “Selfishness and altruism are both inherently human. I like being able to see and hear and talk. It’s just so hard to give it all up! How alien of me.”

“Shut up.”

He raised his eyebrows and turned away. “Fine.”

***

Tobias checked in and left again. For what, I wasn’t sure. Future plans, maybe.

“What are you going to do with him?”

I turned. “What?”

“With Al,” he said. He twisted until he was sitting up. “When I’m dead, what are you going to do with him?”

I stared at him coldly, not answering.

The Controller must have read something in my silence, because he laughed, bitter and angry. “You should have killed me. Him. This body. You can’t afford the liability. If dear little Alfie lives, your resistance ends. He can never run far enough from human civilization. We’d find him.”

“No one knows that for sure,” I said.

He rolled his head back against the cave wall. “I’m a really good guesser.” He smiled down at his feet. “I was guarding a pool entrance, not everyone gets such a position.”

“And you did such a good job,” I jeered. “Let me and my friend in, didn’t you?”

He closed his eyes. “Yes, well, us Yeerks can be idiots, too.”

“Really?” I snorted. “You’re letting me have that?”

“Cut me a break,” he said, not even a hint of anger in his voice. “I’m going to be dead in a few hours. I can regret thinking I was the cleverest person in the room.”

“Sure. Tweedledum.”

“Oh, are you _flirting_ with me?” he asked, sounding genuinely amused for the first time. “A human and a Yeerk, star-crossed - ”

“Shut _up_.”

***

“Have you ever seen a Yeerk die by starvation?” The Controller was still trying to sound casual.

“Yes.” He was acting way too casual. He’d been quiet for a while now, clearly deep in thought. Praying to a Yeerk god? Planning an escape? I was ready for him to try something.

“Me, too.”

“So?” I said.

He was silent a moment. “...I can feel it starting.”

“And?”

“Hah… So indifferent to suffering,” he said.

“ _And_?” I repeated.

He grit his teeth. “...I’m not going to die that way.”

“Aren’t you,” I said neutrally.

“No.” He shifted onto his knees. I shot onto my feet, ready to move. He didn’t even bother to scoff at me. He just inched his way over to the nearest pool of water. He kneeled in front of it.

I didn’t realize what he meant until he stuck his hands into the pool. It went halfway up his arms.

He barked a laugh. “Not going to stop me?”

It was like my blood had been replaced with ice.

“What!” he suddenly snapped. “Nothing to say?”

“...I want to talk to Al,” I said quietly. “You’ve had more than your share of last words.”

He stared into the pool. I saw his hands start trembling, and then he was outright shaking.

“Hello,” he said hoarsely. I could hear the lump in his throat. “It’s - it’s me.” He choked back a tear-laden breath. “I’m Al. Alfonso. Alfie.”

I didn’t know that for sure. But there was nothing he could say or do that was one hundred percent guaranteed, short of the Yeerk falling out of his ear.

“I can’t do this,” Al said. He wasn’t looking at me, still staring down at the water. Maybe he couldn’t look away. “I’m cold and hungry and it _hurts_. He’s afraid.”

He meant the Yeerk.

“But…” he continued. “But he’s going to do this.”

Outside of Al, it was so quiet. I’d never really understood what people meant when they talked about silence being deafening, until this moment.

“He’s right.” Al sobbed - a sudden, ragged sound. “If I live, you’ll probably die. I don’t want to die. But I want… I want everyone else to have a chance.”

I sat. It wasn’t a sure thing. There was a version of this where Al lived and we continued fighting the Yeerk invasion. The future isn’t written. I said nothing.

“He’s so afraid,” Al said. He giggled. Hysterically, gagging, but giggling. “I could overpower him. He’s weak.” He sniffed. “He - he wants to ask you something.” He took a deep breath. “He wants to know your name.”

I exhaled. That was not what I was expecting.

“I’d like to know your name, too,” he added after another breath.

“...Rachel.” I didn’t recognize my voice. It was like I was talking from a hundred miles away.

Al nodded. “He wants - he’s asking... you to remember his name.” He finally turned to look me in the eyes. “My name is Alfonso. And he’s Eskrit.”

He just looked at me, and I realized he was waiting for an acknowledgement. I nodded, jerkily. “Yeah. Diaz.  Hett Simplat.”

“Okay.” He looked back down at the water. “Okay.”

The crying abruptly stopped. Eskrit had taken control again.

I looked away.

“I think I could have liked you,” I heard him say. “Rachel.”

There was a splash. I focused on the tunnel out of the cave. It seemed to take a long, long time.

***

I waited until I heard Tobias’ thought-speech announcing everyone else had arrived. I walked out of the cave. They were there, out of morph already.

I leaned against a tree and threw up.

“W-what’s - ”

“What’s wrong with you - ”

<Are you okay?>

I flinched. “I - I was just away for a minute. I needed a breath, I didn’t know!”

“What is…” Jake trailed off. Everyone was standing stock still, afraid but not sure why. I wanted to laugh. I thought of Al’s hysterical laughter, and I was almost sick again.

Jake went into the cave. A minute later came out again with a blank look on his face.

“You can go home,” he said, that same blankness in his voice. “Ax, can I have your help with something?”

The realization of what happened seemed to trickle slowly over everyone.

“Jake,” I said.

He looked so tired. “Please, everyone else go home. We’ll talk later.”

“Jake,” I said again.

He just looked at me, that tiredness laser-focused on me. “I’ll talk to you later, Rachel, alright? I’ll call you.”

I left.

***

After supper, I took a walk. I ended up in front of Marco’s house. I rang the doorbell. It was a minute before Marco himself came to the door.

“Hey,” he said, surprised. “What’s up?”

“Can I come in?”

“Uh, I, yeah, yeah,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “My dad is working late tonight, we’ll have the living room.”

I walked in, only barely remembering to kick my shoes off, and plopped down on the couch. Marco followed me, uncertain.

Exhausted as I was, I couldn’t stand the thought of avoiding what happened any longer. “It’s my fault he’s dead.”

Marco raised his eyebrows, stopping in his tracks. “I - wow, what?”

“The Controller. In the cave.” I set my jaw. This was abrupt, but I didn’t care anymore.

I watched Marco try to figure out where I was coming from. “You didn’t kill him. He made that decision himself,” said Marco. He made a half-hearted attempted to smile, but I stopped him.

“I was there,” I said flatly. “I lied. I was there and I just… watched. I watched him kill himself and I didn’t do a thing to stop him.”

Marco’s face went blank. After a few seconds, he sat down - hard - next to me.

“I did make a decision,” I said. “I decided not to stop him.”

Marco didn’t move, but he closed his eyes. No screaming at me, that was a start. Out of everybody else, I think Marco was the most likely to understand. Maybe the most likely to continue trusting me once he knew. If our positions were switched, I’m not sure that I would trust Marco again.

I guess I’m a hypocrite. I talk about how much Jake has changed since we met Elfangor all those months ago, but I haven’t really paid attention to how much I have, too. Jake scares me a little. But _I_ scare me more.

“Well?” I asked. “Say something.”

Marco made an aborted motion to touch my shoulder. “I’m… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry?”

I threw my head back. “Wow. Okay.”

His hand went back to his neck. “I get it.” He looked at me and I had the courage to look back. “I really think I do.”

I believed him. “...Yeah.”

Marco started picking at a loose thread on a cushion. “Do you…” He trailed off, but I didn’t have the guts to guess and fill in what he wanted to ask. "Do you..." he started again, "...think you did the right thing?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. "God, I don't know, Marco. I don't know." I rubbed my forehead. "No. Obviously not."

"Then why didn't you stop him?"

My blood froze again, that same shocking coldness. "Because I - think he was right. He - the Yeerk - said we couldn't save the guy. Al. If Al lived, we died."

"So... the Yeerk died to save us?" Marco sounded skeptical.

I shook my head. "I think - I guess that the Yeerk chose to drown so he wouldn't have to starve." It was an ugly way for a Yeerk to go. "Maybe Al was... just collateral damage to him."

Collateral damage to me, too? I pushed the thought out of my head.

"What do you think Jake would have done?" I asked. "What do you think - ha - Cassie would have?"

Marco grunted. "You're going to think this is a stupid answer." He met my eyes. "I think it doesn't matter what anyone would have done. They might have done the same, or they might have stopped him. We don't know."

"Well, that's... great," I said bitterly.

"If it makes you feel better," said Marco slowly, "I think I would have done the same... But - "

"But you don't know for sure," I finished for him. "Not comforting."

He shrugged. "Well... We're going to keep going. We're still alive, for the moment. And here's a downer, we're all probably going to have to face choices like this in the future."

"...That was comforting, actually." I leaned back in the couch. "Maybe I'll... do something different next time."

"You weirdo," he said.

We were quiet.

Marco picked up the TV remote. “Do you want to watch TV? I think _Buffy_ 's on...”

“God, no,” I said. “See if there's  _Friends_ or something.”

He clicked on the TV.

“This is never going to happen again,” I said.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said.


End file.
